I hate the idea of deleting things just because I'm embarrassed of them, but at the same time you really really don't want to read this
basically it is an account of how I, being in a state probably aptly described as "too young to be emotionally stable", decided to leave #isharia and the community until I could act, well, emotionally stable (and, ideally, a pleasant person to be around, but small steps.) Ironically, this was not the first time I went through this process, and I would go through it again one more time, although at that point I was introspective enough to at least not make as big a deal of it
It's been three months. Is three months enough time for anyone?
But in reality, it's been more than that. It's been nine and a half months. Oh, sure, I've "come back" before, but I never stayed for more than a week. Because I'm never sure that I can stay. Is nine and half months enough time for me?
I suppose I originally took a break because I was wasting too much time here. Like anyone might. I've seen some people leave for that reason, but hopefully with the understanding that they would come back someday. Like I thought I would. Like I thought I was going to, once real life cleared up, until I saw what became of the Board that shall Not be Named, i.e. the ZBB. Mort. And until I was confident that whatever was happening to it was over, I decided I would wait. Because after all, I still had real life responsibilities that could afford a little more attention, and because I didn't want to get myself involved with what was going on... and if I was there, I had no choice but to get involved... and nobody wanted that.
"Newt, the adults are talking."
I still resent that, even if I shouldn't. Yeah, I was (am) an idiot about these things, although ironically the situation is usually reversed. And even if that sort comment was out of line, I shouldn't hold a grudge about it. Unfortunately one of the first things I saw when I decided I could come back was Zontas.
"Your average teenager is an incredibly self-absorbed spoilt narcissist with a severe case of specialsnowflakitis and a thinner skin than someone who's been flensed."
And with comments like those at the back of my mind, and around my ears some days, and in front of the screen—no matter whether they were justified—I flew off the handle once again, and got into this whole argument defending Zontas. Which culminated in Nessari linking me to the chat logs, which I read. And read again. And I became suddenly very quiet.
"Voluntary exile is always a great personal growth option. Saves a lot of face..."
If I believed Zontas was in the right, even for a second, I couldn't let myself stay. I would only make a fool of myself, like he did. Like I did, all too often. When it comes down to it, the reason I gave myself was that I was too young, and too emotionally unstable, to be a part of that kind of community. And because, again like Zontas, I knew deep down that I was too narcissistic and attention-seeking to thrive in something like isharia.
But nary a day has gone by when I don't regret the decision. I miss the companionship, even if it's not enough for my troubled mind. So I think to myself, "perhaps I will come back!"
How do I explain myself? Even if it is a good idea, how to I prove to everyone that I will stay, that I am not the conlanger who cried *wĺ̥kʷe? How can I prove to myself?
So in conclusion all I can say is this.
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders, of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him, till he cried out, in his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving," but the fighter still remains...