first conlang is worst conlang!

For those of us who have no shame, I invite you to post the worst nooblang you've made here. (It doesn't have to be your first, but I also am not looking for jokelangs... I'm looking for terrible conlangs you created because you didn't know any better.)

My first conlang was called Qoqqkyuk (pronounced roughly like /kɔxjʌk/), meant to be spoken by a people (the Qoqq) of Qoqqoph. This is odd because the letters <q y> were never written in the language. The phonology was roughly Standard Fantasy Language:
/p t k b d g/ <p t k b d g>
/f v θ ð s z ʃ ʒ h/ <f v ť ď s z š ž h>
/m n ŋ l kː x/ <m n ñ l k' k''>
/æ ɛ e ɪ i ɔ o ʌ u/ <a e ê i î o ô u û>

I seem to have lost most of my inflectional notes (good riddance), but what I can come up with is this: a three-person two-number verb inflection system (obviously taken from Latin) with a constant -VC suffix, where the vowel of the suffix changed for person, the voicing of the consonant changed for number, and the POA changed for tense.
Qoqqkyuk had a base sixteen number system, but I can't seem to anything past ten, so... eat your heart out, Janko:

0	elô
1	astê
2	deksê
3	kônê
4	intê
5	ûisê
6	k''aê
7	lekê
8	teťê
9	selê
10	šelê

I also have a couple words: žak "day", kalôt "night", aŋûl "beginning", ôle "love", û "have", loďe "happy", žû "in".

Needs an example sentence or two for maximum horror, I think.

I posted previously about my ultimate nooblang, K'radénalla, which was mostly an experiment in regrettable grammar and unforgivable vocabulary. (Supposedly it was a language for dryads, but all of the vocabulary and examples were everyday modern stuff.) It can be summed up in one single, alarming, eye-damaging example sentence:

Janusi-chan sekurathé est haer Nihon-jiin tamachi deswa eke Amerika ka.
Did Ms. Janus take her Japanese friend to America?

...and in case the shame inherent in that sentence wasn't completely obvious:

i Tamachi est willkommen desu.
The friend is welcome.

...

Interestingly, there are some features of this that are visible in Lilitika still; the "eke" locative particle resembles the Lilitic singular datives, and I still have a habit of not capitalizing articles at the start of sentences (but instead capitalizing subsequent nouns.)

The greatest irony is that I started a conlang before this one, called Dalian, but I knew absolutely nothing about language at the time, and so it consisted entirely of stringing hieroglyphics together and had no risk of horrific loanwords or grammar. In the long term, I think it was probably less unforgivable.

quoting Rhetorica, Illúbequía: Dis, Major Belt 1:

Needs an example sentence or two for maximum horror, I think.

I don't know if I ever had enough vocabulary for one, but I can kludge this together:
Žû aŋûl ô Kok'of, it gûf astîlongoše žak kalôt.
In the beginning of Qoqqoph, that first day was night.

quoting Rhetorica, Illúbequía: Dis, Major Belt 1:

i Tamachi est willkommen desu.

best auxlang!

Qoqqkyuk seems downright usable for a first conlang, all things considered. Where’d that single geminate /k/ come from, though?

Most of my nooblang papers are back at home while I’m off at college, but (un)fortunately I have enough of one of them to produce something. So: my third conlang, Sazhere! — made at c. 12 years old with zero knowledge of linguistics, and used for a horrid fantasy novel that reads like a parody of the Silmarillion.

For the phonology, my goal was to put in every sound that was possible for humans to produce. Needless to say, I failed (thankfully), but here’s what I had:

/m n ɲ ŋ/
/p b t d ⁿd k g ᵑg/
/t͡ʃ d͡ʒ ps ts ks/
/f v θ ð s z ɕ ʃ ʒ x ʁ ʕ h/
/r l ɻ ʎ j ʀ̥ ʀ w/
/! ǃ͡qʼ/
/a æ ɛ~e ɪ i ǝ ɝ ɔ o ʌ ʊ u/
/aj ej ju ow/

The orthography was an excessively complicated runelike alphabet. There was no consistent romanization.

The grammar was mostly isolating, with the exception of genitive and plural suffixes and some tense affixes on the verb. Mostly it was just English with some arbitrary changes (adjectives follow nouns! articles don’t exist! no subject-verb agreement! etc.). Second- and third-person pronouns had three genders; otherwise there were none. The number system was standard old base 10 (my previous lang had been base 20, which had gotten tiresome).

Fragmentary sample:
/saʒiɻ rom aθow oɻmaǝɻ nɔsǝðɔl 5105 θinɔn aʀ̥ aglarkǝɻan ɪkɛθ ʒowðǝɻ/...
»Sazhere is a tongue invented in 5105 HE by aglarkǝɻan and modified...«

More complete sample, but with unknown pronunciation:

Nothon ak ondontor alth rama gur Alth rama augir iketh ot-tho onosi kaiur Kath goror arelur ot-rom rama bril onto arelur Augiril zhar rom arelur anatosur Nothon ak athosir ‘Alth rom don!’ Alth rama gur iketh arelu ot-tho aki azhon Ayanir tethnir, nerth rom nothon don Alth rama gur rom nosomur kul ener tson Nothon ak athosir ‘Alth rom dham!’ Arelu rom nerthamur, arelu rom nertham

Now I bring here the tide made of dark, The tide made of corruption and that which they hide. It purges everything of everything that is made of light; The power of corruption is eating everything. Now I call, ‘The Tide is near!’ — The tide made of dark and all that which we fear. The storm gathers; the end is now near. The tide made of dark is waiting for the last command. Now I call, ‘The Tide is here!’ All is ending, all is undone.

I can't really remember my worst nooblang, but all I have to say is: 140 cases.

I'm still embarassed by this. It's not my worst, but that conlang was deliberately annihilated.

An example doesn't really matter, if you want just imagine what crappily-translated Latin would be and substitute as-needed.

http://www.frathwiki.com/Qatama_grammar

quoting Uzhdarchios, Foreigner in Unknown Kadath:

Qoqqkyuk seems downright usable for a first conlang, all things considered. Where’d that single geminate /k/ come from, though?

Probably because (a) kok'of1 and (b) I had arbitrarily spelled /x/ as <k''> and I wanted an intermediate letter.

My first conlang was a chain-shifted German, e.g p > pf, pf > f, f > v, etc. etc. Its grammar was basically like German grammar. I don't have any notes left of it; I did it when I was around 12 or so.

I don't remember much about my first conlang except that I began perpetrating it in 1992, that it wasn't a conlang but a bunch of invented words with no grammar (I just made them to name things, with no need to make sentences), that the words had an African-Oceanic flavour and that the orthography was made without rhyme or reason.
Some of those words still exist, incorporated into some conlangs, but they were heavily redone to have an acceptable 'flavour' (appearance and pronounciation).

My first conlang is called "Ahasab Imub". It's less of a conlang and more of a cypher made by writting Indonesian backwards...

My second "conlang" is a cypher made by writting german with Polish-like orthography.

http://anthologi.ca/?id=140200

The best part: subordinate clauses are surrounded by parenthesis particles, and those particles are l and r.